Question:
I’m embroiled in an ugly divorce during which I’ve done my utmost to remain civilized. Yet the situation has devolved into a guerrilla warfare in which my ex-husband is using our children to “get at me.” When my children are subjected to this sickness, my heart fills with fear and terrible anger. I do my best not to add to the strain for the kids, but how can I rise above the hatred and live well?
Asha Answers:
My heart goes out to you. It is hard to imagine anything more excruciating than what you are enduring.
To see your family life fall so far short of what you may have expected is difficult indeed. You are facing inner battles that will not be easy to overcome.
Still, what choice do you have? You cannot control your ex’s behavior. You cannot live your children’s life for them. It is their karma, too, to be caught in this guerrilla warfare. Not that you shouldn’t try to help them, but for them, too, it’s a reality that they are facing.
One of the greatest obstacles to overcoming our karma is that instead of facing it squarely, we would love for it to simply go away. “Perhaps when I wake up in the morning, things will be different.” This isn’t surprising, nor is it anything to be ashamed of, especially where our loved ones are concerned. The problem is that it never works.
Obviously, you don’t wish to continue in the present reality. But deep understanding will be needed before the situation can change. The law of karma is always fair. I know this is a difficult truth to accept, especially when life seems so terribly unfair. But spiritual progress isn’t possible until we can find the strength and receptivity to accept this truth down to our deepest marrow.
What God gives us never unfair. Whatever is happening to you now is the precise result of wrong actions and attitudes that you’ve set in motion in the past. Possibly not in this life, but in distant lives that you no longer even remember.
I’m not trying to make you feel hopeless or helpless, or blame you. Clearly, the dark actions of the past are in the past. They’re not who you are now.
The fact that you’re appealing to a spiritual source for help means that you‘ve learned a great deal – you are, in fact, looking for answers in the only place where we can ever find them. Still, you are not free, nor are your children. The only thing you can do now is devote yourself to learning whatever lessons are needed at this point of your journey to freedom from all suffering.
What might those lessons be? It’s not easy to know the details of “who did what to whom” in past lives. There are people who can help you with that. Not all are reliable or helpful, of course, but if there’s someone you know to be compassionate and trustworthy, you might consider a consultation. Sometimes, knowing the past influences can help us summon the courage to persevere in the right way.
But even without that kind of understanding, the lessons you’re being asked to learn seem obvious.
The ego wants ease and pleasure. The soul wants freedom. As Swami Kriyananda put it, “Sometimes pain is the shortest route to freedom.” The ego doesn’t like that. But the soul rejoices in each step that brings us true freedom, even if the pain of shedding our “old skin” may be severe. Our higher self knows that on the other side of every trial of fire is bliss.
I suspect there is very little you can do to solve your problem directly. If you haven’t explored legal options, I certainly would do so. But I doubt there are laws against “wrong attitude,” such as your ex is expressing, and which you feel yourself falling into.
The only solution I can see to this issue is on the level of consciousness. You are going to have to become a world-class athlete of consciousness. And you’ll have to train all the time.
When one of my friends developed cancer, she said to me, “I don’t have the luxury of having a single negative thought.” She was one of the sweetest women I’d met. Yet within herself, she saw room for improvement.
This situation with your ex and your children is your opportunity to compete in a gold-medal Olympic spiritual event. Like an athlete, you must stay focused on training for the challenge.
I’ve noticed that the wrong attitudes that pull us to pieces during our most difficult tests are almost always present in our lesser challenges. When the intensity is low, we may not even notice that we’re responding with anger. Raging at a bad driver, or a roommate who leaves dishes in the sink, or the weather when it isn’t cooperating may not seem relevant to your present problem, but it is.
Every time you respond inappropriately, you’re cutting a groove of habit in your consciousness that will pull you in when the stakes are high. And every time you respond with loving energy, you’re creating a habit that will give you strength when you need it.
In the final analysis, the single most important factor that will help you find freedom from your present situation is the grace of God.
The only weapon you have in this guerilla warfare is your own consciousness. And the most powerful way to wield that weapon is by prayer and meditation.
Let’s try a little thought experiment. Imagine what it would be like if you could feel God’s all-sufficing, all-powerful, all-transforming love flowing from deep within your heart, outward toward your children, and even to your ex-spouse. And further imagine that that love is the only power that can possibly free you from your present suffering. Finally, ask yourself how much it would be worth to you to achieve that perfect, flawless resolution of your present situation. I imagine that if you’re able to visualize the inner peace and perfect comfort that this love would bring to your heart, and the unconquerable protecting power it would bring to you and your children, you would exclaim, “I will do anything to resolve this situation in that divine way!”
Of course, the rest is up to you. Will you have to courage, and the sheer warrior’s will, to fight to the death to overcome every other negative instinct in your heart, and to pray for – horror of horrors! – even your ex, until you find God’s healing power of love flowing through your heart? It’s truly the only solution. It is, in fact, the shortcut to resolving your problems. Imagine if you could pray for an hour, or two hours, or four hours and find a perfect solution to your difficulty. Would it be worth it?
If you decide to take this effective shortcut, here’s a suggestion. Don’t visualize your ex directly, which may only evoke emotions that will drown you; instead, try to stand mentally a bit aside and be impersonal. Imagine your ex at an objective distance, as a person who doesn’t evoke negative feelings, as a child of God. Then ask God to bless him in “generic” ways – to give him health and energy for his body, love and friendship for his heart, strength and God-guided wisdom for his will, wisdom and cheerfulness for his mind, and divine bliss for his soul. You can elaborate as you feel to. But perseverance is everything – realize that if you pray insistently you will eventually feel God’s grace amplifying your prayers and helping you to make them utterly sincere.
You can do the same experiment to great advantage in daily life. When you’re tempted by negative feelings, turn immediately to the Divine Mother within and pray, “Divine Mother, I will do anything to create harmony in this situation! But You must guide me!” If you do this with a fully committed will, you will find that it “works” wonderfully.
The good news is that consciousness is everything. Not only will changing your consciousness change your experience, but it will be the most powerful, most positive way to protect your children and neutralize the negativity that is coming toward you from your ex.
Remember: Where there is dharma (right consciousness) there is victory.
God has taken away from you any margin to be casual about your thoughts and attitudes. He has taken away the freedom to be lazy about your spiritual practices. Now you must practice all the time. Through intense prayer and meditation, with absolutely determined will, practice offering your consciousness completely to God. Realize that your own power can never be sufficient to overcome the great challenges that God sends us. The secret is that these lessons are given to us to drive us to the holy feet of Guru, and Divine Mother, who alone can help us.
Consider this also. Very often, when people fail to get a desired result from their actions, they lose interest. If your ex feels that he is being successful in “getting at you,” you simply need to find a depth of experience of God that makes this tactic ineffectual. When God’s love flows powerfully from your heart and soul, nothing will be able to touch you. In this way, too, finding God’s love will be your greatest victory.
Your children, feeling your calmness and joy, will be tremendously reassured – and, of course, they will divinely protected and comforted by your prayers.
God is blessing you by challenging you to an extent that you must now turn to Him.
If you haven’t done so, please submit your name and those of your children and ex to the Ananda Healing Prayer Council, and any other groups you may know of that will pray for you. I will pray also.
Blessings,
Asha