I have absolutely no inner calling now to counsel people about their relationships. But if they ask me, I suggest that they try thinking like a mother.
If a child puts out even a tiny effort to do something, and the mother says, “Oh, honey, that’s just so perfect!” – and if it isn’t true, then you’re depriving the child of an opportunity to learn how life really works.
A more expansive approach is to think of the reasons why the child didn’t put out real energy, and help them experience the fulfillment and satisfaction of working hard and experiencing the joy of success through self-mastery.
But you need to help them in a way that’s kind and compassionate and encouraging, so they’ll be able to go forward with energy and confidence. That’s the right kind of communication, because it’s the selfless, truthful, and considerate way to communicate.
There’s a completely false idea in our culture that people learn best if we tell them what’s wrong with them, and that we need to criticize them so they’ll grow. But I learned a very long time ago that it isn’t true.
I spent many years under the guidance of Swami Kriyananda. He was the most brilliant leader I’ve known, and there was a very special art that I watched him manifest over and over, endlessly. With every single person of the many thousands he interacted with over the years, he always managed to maintain a connection of the heart.
With Swamiji, it was never about whether you were good enough, or if you were doing a good enough job – and as soon as you stop producing, I’ll withdraw my love from you.
There was always a connection of the heart, where you knew, “I love you because you’re a child of God, and I love the God in you. Even if you’re a terrible person, I love the God who is manifesting as you, and who is learning these lessons in your form.”
Communication happens, first of all, when there’s a connection of the heart. And of course, in marriage and family life there has to be that kind of heart connection, or you’ll feel used by each other.
So, number one, you have to maintain that heart connection. And if you’re in it simply for what you can get out of others, they’ll know it instinctively and without fail. And if you love them only because they meet a certain standard – “I loved you when you were thinner” – they’ll know it, and they’ll run away from you as fast as they can.
There was a cartoon that said: “a woman should marry an archeologist, because the older she gets, the more interesting she’ll be to him.” And it’s true, in a way, because the more deeply you understand a person’s reality, the more you love them.
When you feel respected for who you are, and when you feel sympathized with, with all your shortcomings, it’s much easier to be open and receptive. It’s wonderful to feel that way if a wise person is suggesting what you should do. But if you’re with someone who’s just harping on about what’s wrong with you, you’ll resist, and rightly so.
Most of us know what’s wrong with us, and most of us know what we should be doing. And we need someone who’s totally kind and compassionate to help us understand why we aren’t doing it, and to give us the confidence that we can do it.
I’m a procrastinator. I put things off, because I don’t like to commit to being anywhere at a specific time, and because I simply don’t like to make decisions.
Years ago, I was organizing a lecture tour for Ananda. And my second husband wasn’t a procrastinator – whenever he touched a piece of paper he resolved it immediately. So he could only imagine that the reason I wasn’t bringing this project to a focus was that I wasn’t aware of the dangers. He tried to help me by explaining all of the hells I was about to unleash upon myself if I didn’t get busy and buckle down and get the tour organized.
But the reason I wasn’t getting down to it was that I was afraid. I was afraid that I would make the wrong decisions. I was afraid of making commitments that I might not be able to keep. And the more he told me about all the fresh hells that would break loose, the less capable I felt of doing anything about it.
My first impulse was to be mad at him for not understanding. But I could sense that he was being a friend. He wasn’t being judgmental. But I had to explain to him that I was just feeling incredibly nervous about it, and that he needed to help me be less afraid, and just try to make me feel secure and competent. Because he was reinforcing my fears.
To his everlasting credit, he immediately got the point, and he never again tried to influence me by fear, because it doesn’t work.
At the same time, because he was so good at understanding what moves me, he could safely say an enormous number of things that fell under the category of constructive criticism. When he spoke to me, I would know that he didn’t have issues of anger or impatience. A great deal of what I would say to him was about me, but very little of what he said to me was about him. He was a terrific teacher in that way. And when he gave me advice, there wasn’t a break in communication.
It’s also fair to say that most of us wish that we could do better, but at this point in our lives we have to accept and acknowledge and respect that this is who we are.
“I wish I could handle this, but I can’t.” That’s a very fair thing to say, and it’s good communication. You don’t have to be all-powerful and strong and perfectly self-sacrificing before you can feel that you have a license to communicate. Because otherwise it isn’t healthy. You just have to be appropriately honest with your reality.
All right, let’s close with a prayer.
Heavenly Father, Divine Mother, Friend, Beloved God, saints and sages of all religions, we open our hearts and minds to Your uplifting influence. Help each of us to move forward with courage and love into that perfect experience of unconditional love, giving, and receiving, which is our destiny. Aum. Peace. Amen.